Nathaniel Conti introduces himself by jumping out the window to escape a busted college dorm party. He’s rambunctious, cocky, and attention-seeking. It’s all a facade. Underneath the bold e-boy mask, Nathaniel doesn’t feel “real.”
In Repair by A.L. Graziadei follows Nathaniel through his first year of college at Hartland University. When all eyes are on him, an intense feeling of life and energy fills Nathaniel, feeling alive and “real” only with the crowd’s full interest and curiosity. But when that attention disappears, an immense feeling of emptiness overwhelms him, leading to hours spent in bed, disconnected from his thoughts and being. As he struggles with a past traumatic experience, Nathaniel falls to his lowest point, and finds his way back up with the help of his support system—his friends. In this stand-alone novel, Graziadei crafts a touching coming-of-age story with darker themes that are often stigmatized and an uplifting message for anyone struggling to feel seen.
Although many books incorporate mental health themes, they are a supporting theme rather than the focus. However, In Repair uses Nathaniel’s PTSD and dissociation as the main theme that drives the story’s plot. Though most readers may be wary about reading a book for this reason, I found it refreshing and extremely interesting. Nathaniel’s spirals and panic attacks reminded me of a friend, and Nathaniel’s unfathomable behavior and equally mysterious emotions intrigued me enough to continue reading, even with the book’s slow beginning. These emotions build up as the story progresses, causing Nathaniel to fall to his lowest point as they overwhelm Nathaniel into doing out-of-character actions.. Though obvious hints indicate a specific cause for these actions, the reveal is still shocking. In all of my reading (and I’ve read a lot), I don’t think I’ve ever found a book that highlights these themes and includes the personal and realistic depictions of the mental health challenges in this novel. While the mental health themes play a large part in driving the story, the more interesting part is how Nathaniel recovers from the problems that arose from him feeling “not real.”
The more prominent aspect of In Repair is the support system Nathaniel finds within his three friends—Celeste, Tara, and Max. Nathaniel sees himself as unworthy of being friends with people who have their lives together. He assumes his friendships are temporary, despite wanting their permanence, because his actions will eventually drive his friends to abandon him. However, Celeste, Tara, and Max surprise him when they return after each bad incident. With their constant presence, Nathaniel eventually feels comfortable in his skin and reassured of his place in the world.
Nathaniel’s initial belief that he was alone in facing his trauma reminded me of us students. So often do we contain our negative emotions within us, waiting as it pressurizes, then implodes. We isolate ourselves within a bubble, pretending that everything is OK so that no one “catches us slacking.” Similarly to Nathaniel, we—in our highly competitive school atmosphere—forget that our friends, family, and mentors are there to support and guide us through the struggles we may face and the negativity we battle. Rather than suffer alone, we must reach out to the people who surround us—to our support system that we found and built—so they can build us up in our moments of need.
In Repair began rather slowly, with a fast-paced introduction that the first half of the book does not match. After reading it twice (once last year, a day after it was published, and once this year to write this review), I now understand that this slow pace introduces strings that are revealed and resolved in the latter half. Though In Repair contains heavy themes that may be uncomfortable at times, I still recommend it for its reminder: You are not alone.
